Avoiding Power Struggles
Does your child constantly draw you into a power struggle? Do they know exactly the right buttons to push to upset you? Or they don’t back down when you give directions and threaten consequences?
Here is a typical scenario. You tell your child to get his shoes on and he says, “No.” Maybe you repeat the direction a few times as you run around trying to get yourself out the door. Only to find that he still hasn’t done it. You tell him he will lose Ipad time, and he says, “Fine.” Then you find yourself arguing with him and getting more upset trying to figure out what to do to get him to put his shoes on. You feel like now that you’ve insisted, you have to follow through. So you find the argument escalating and now you’re yelling and he is clearly not going to do what you want. Been there? Yep, this is the classic power struggle. And want to know the hard truth? There are things we can’t make our kids do and, what’s worse is they know it!
Now, you might be thinking “you can’t give in to him” because that will reinforce the behavior. But here’s what I’ve learned after working with these students for many years and what the research tells us. It is possible to “win” a power struggle, the price isn’t always worth it.
If you continue to hold your ground until the child complies you have exerted your power and authority over them. They follow the direction but you haven’t taught him anything about being independent or why they should follow directions. It also breaks down the relationship and trust we have with our children.
More likely though, power struggles lead to the parent “losing” and the child winning. And here’s why. You have other things to do and your child doesn’t. You may have other kids, are making dinner, or are trying to work from home. A million things you have to attend to and your child just needs to wait you out.
And when that happens, guess what? We make the problem worse. Yep, not only do we not get the kid to do what we want….he’s actually more likely to do the same thing again (only louder or more disruptive or even more aggressive) as last time.
So, how do you avoid the power struggle?
1. Give Choices
Giving choices increases compliance because it gives kids a sense of control. So, when possible, give the child choices that you can live with. For example, “Want to do this now or in 5 minutes? Should we put our coat or hat on first? Do you want the blue or red cup?”
2. Use Visuals
Using visuals at home are an awesome way to convey expectations without an argument. Visuals are hard to argue with and simply convey the direction or expectation. Examples of visuals might be:
Written or pictures of a daily schedule or routine
First/Then Visuals. These usually put the expectation first then something preferred afterwards. Example: “first put your shoes on then Ipad in the car”
Lists or Reminder Notes
3. Offer Help.
This strategy helps the kid who may feel the task is overwhelming or too hard. You can model the behavior you want by picking up the first few toys for example and having your child “help” you. Or, handing them the shoe to put on. Getting them started on the task is usually the hardest part. Now, the goal is to get them to do it so make sure you don’t end up doing the whole thing!
4. Praise and reinforce their efforts.
Yes, I know they should just do it because you said so. But, for some kids following even simple directions isn’t easy. So, if we want them to do it more often then we have to initially make it worthwhile by giving them a lot of positives for their efforts.
5. Don’t Engage
Take a deep breath, stay calm, and don’t engage. This one is the hardest but will also make a huge difference. Some kids enjoy the thrill of the fight…. So don’t give it to them and they may give up sooner.
These tips will significantly help you avoid and deal with power struggles but certainly won’t completely prevent them. Decide when you have to follow through and when you can alter the expectation. You want to choose to hold your ground in those situations when you have time and energy to see it through and when the outcome is important. Not everything is important. Having a plan is critical to handling these sticky situations. And remember to reward yourself for navigating these dicey situations.
Need help dealing with your child’s power struggles or incorporating these strategies at home? Let’s chat…. Set up a complimentary call today.
https://megancoxcoachingschedule.as.me/